THE FUNNY SIDE: World’s first gay person found ?

The world’s first known gay person has reportedly been found. He lived 4,900 years ago. And there was I thinking the whole gay thing was invented by David Bowie in the 1970s.

But no. Necklace Man has just been found in an ancient tomb by archaeologists digging in Czechoslovakia, according to a cutting sent in by a reader who wishes only to be known as Handbag Man. Experts said there were lots of clues about the male skeleton in the 5,000-year-old tomb, such as the fact that he wasn’t facing the way macho men were laid to rest, and was missing the “normal male grave goods”, which I assume means he wasn’t clutching a picture of his beloved chariot.

After noticing his necklace and other female items, they concluded he was gay (although I suppose he could have been an ancestor of Michael Jackson).

Poor guy. It must have been really tough to be the world’s first gay person.

CAVEBOY: “You guys go hunting, I’m going to go gathering with the girls.”

PATRIARCH: “Men hunt. Women gather.”

CAVEBOY: “Dad, I’m trying to FIND myself, I need SPACE, okay?”

Thank goodness Necklace Man was found in Europe. Had he been found in Asia, the authorities would have hidden him. Did you read about the Malaysian education official conducting seminars on how to spot gay people trying to pass themselves off as humans? They wear V-necks, he warned. This shocked me. I have FOUR V-neck tops. I had no idea I was gay. Will wearing round neck T-shirts for a month convert me back, Mr Malaysian Official?

Interestingly, the Malaysian public did not form into rampaging mobs to beat up wearers of V-neck garments, as officials may have expected. First, a biriyani shop in Kuala Lumpur immediately offered free meals to any man in a V-neck, and then people of all sexes and cultures around the world donned V-neck garments in support of something, I think to support government officials’ right to make utter fools of themselves.

(Scientists have now theorized that the skeleton wasn’t a gay man after all. More details here.)

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The Asian hostility to gay people is triggering a lot of curious incidents these days. A New York restaurant manager named Fong banned a gay wedding party from his eatery, The Amber, because such people were “bad feng shui”, a US court was told earlier this month. This would be unremarkable except for the address of the restaurant: Christopher Street, West Village-the gay capital of the world. I wonder what Mr Fong will do next? Start a ham sandwich shop in Jerusalem? Sell cow-burgers in Delhi?

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Handbag man told me that the places in Asia with the most “sophisticated” attitude to people favouring “non-standard orientations” were Manila and Bangkok “plus Shanghai, but that’s a secret”.

I told him to check out South Korea. The newspaper business pages recently said that MEN in that country spent US$495.5 million on cosmetics last year, more than men in any other country, although considerably less than my wife and daughters.

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On a related topic, I got a message from Philip Ardagh, a famous UK author. “I’m in touch with my feminine side,” he said. “She runs a hotel near the beach.”

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Talking of women, consider this. I bought some shoes. Colour choices: black, black or black? Design choices: featureless, featureless or featureless? In business district shoe shops, men only have one actual decision to make. I slipped into each pair to see which was most comfortable. A pair of Josef Seibel slip-ons felt as if I had been wearing them all my life. Sold.

A female work colleague watching this operation was outraged. “It takes me DAYS to buy shoes, and they hurt like hell for the first month,” she said. “How come a guy can get perfect shoes in five minutes, in his sleep?”

“Sorry, did you say something?” I replied. “I was asleep.”

Without wishing to be sexist, why does shoe-buying take up 30 to 40 percent of the mental energy of several females I know, but less than 0.0001 percent of the consciousness of any male I know?

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Male-female differences came into sharp focus recently when my wife disappeared with my eldest daughter for what I thought was a hairdressing binge. On their return, I duly complimented them on their wonderful new hair, but it turned out they had only been to an “eyebrow shaper”.

Why would anyone PAY MONEY to change the shape of their eyebrows? And if you did, why would you NOT get them shaped into your name or an image of a skull or portrait of Einstein or have them made to look like a pair of question marks or something? That’s what a guy would do.

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The woman at the fruit shop had run out of mangos this morning, so clearly I have no option but to return tonight, burn down the whole market and then write in the ash, in huge letters to be read by news cameramen in helicopters: “I JUST WANTED A MANGO.”

We are in the era of gross overreactions, and it’s VERY IMPORTANT that we all do our bit.

If your neighbor steals your newspaper, organize a march. If a foreigner mispronounces a greeting, go invade Iraq.

China and Japan are arguing over an ugly rock in the sea. People around the world are angry that there’s a bit of offensive video on the Internet. Something offensive on the internet? Well, that’s a first. (Looking at recent marches, one can clearly work out the thought process of the modern protestor:

1) Has some idiot said something mean about your country, your culture, your race, your religion or a patch of dirt your nation thinks it owns? If your answer is “Maybe, but I’m not bothered as I’m not wildly insecure,” you win a Functioning Adult award and can go back to sleep. Otherwise, go to number two.

2) Was the statement made by some inconsequential moron who isn’t worth paying attention to? If the answer is yes, but you choose to mentally block out that fact, go to number three.

3) Do you feel this is an opportunity to let out some internal anger about other stuff, such as the fact that a certain part of your body is unusually small? If yes, go to point four.

4) Is the individual with whom you are angry in the same country as you are? If no, go to number five.

5) Do you think it is logical to let out your anger at some innocent individuals who have no connection with the person with whom you are annoyed? If yes, go to number six.

6) As you approach the protest, you finally realize you’re going to look incredibly stupid if you attack a Shenzhen Hello Kitty shop in place of a Japanese right wing party, or a fast food shop in Sydney to protest against a home video by some idiot from a Coptic background. Do you mind looking incredibly stupid? If no, continue to number seven.

7) You notice that the scared staff and owners of the shop are actually your friends and neighbors, who share your country AND your culture AND your race AND your religion. If this doesn’t halt your protest, go to number eight.

8) You end up fighting with a police officer who turns out to be your cousin.

9) You go to jail.

10) In jail you watch the TV news and realize that thanks to the decisions you made, the moron who made the stupid statement in the first place is now the most talked-about individual in the world. Give yourself a pat on the head.

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What? No more space in this column? That’s outrageous. I’m afraid I have NO CHOICE but to organize a million-man-march to the editor’s office. I’ll just go get my flamethrower.

(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveler. You can send him comments or ideas via www.mrjam.org)

IANS 2012-09-28 09:49:13